Funny Hogwarts Rules

[* JAQI]

I don't take credit for these, and you can add more if you can think of them.

1. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
2. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
3. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
4.Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
5. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.
6. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss
7. Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda
8. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a dark mark on their arm
9. Singing "If I Were a Rich Man" around the Weasleys is rude.
10. Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.
11. Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you f**king Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.
12. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
13. Telling Draco Malfoy to “make like a ferret and bounce” is not a good idea.
14. It probably isn’t smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.
15. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."
16. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when being sent to the Headmaster's office
17. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
18. Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potion's class will not get me extra points.
19. Switching Harry Potter's Divination and Potions homework is not funny: Even if Snape enjoys reading about Harry's visions of dying, Trelawney will be upset
20. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong. Making Draco Malfoy pay double for them is also wrong.
21. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0", is not a valid T-shirt slogan
22. Writing sexy love letters to Professor Dumbledore, signed by "Your Kitten", is not a ethical means to skip Transfiguration class (though it is effective).
23. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
24. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
25. Stealing Draco's underwear and selling it on Ebay to horny fangirls is not ethical, nor profitable (note to self: Steal Potter's underwear instead).
26. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
27. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".
28. I will not constantly ask Blaise Zabini his gender, nor will I harass the people who fight over it.
29. I will under any circumstances yell 'BURN' every time Snape takes point of Gryffindor
30. Whenever I see the Dark Mark, I will not shout "To the batmobile, Robin!"
31.I will not under any circumstances ask Harry Potter if his "Voldy senses are tingling."
32. I will not ask Hagrid if he has crushed bones to make his bread.
33. I will not, under any circumstances bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination class.
34. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
35. I will not yell "BAMF!" every time I apparate
36. I am not authorized to make a peace treaty with Voldemort
37.I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paint ball
38. I will not hold my wand in the air and shout "I HAVE THE POWER!" before casting a spell
39. I'm not authorized to start a 'Hug A Slytherin' day.
40. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order to see what happens.
41. I will not lock the Slytherins and the Gryffindors in the same room and start a betting pool on which house survives.
42. I will not tell first years to build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
43. Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
44. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds I assume I'm not allowed to use it.
45. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
46. My name is not 'The Dark Lord Happy-Pants' and I'm not allowed to sign my papers that way.
47. I will not yell "Believe it... or not!" After the end of any of Dumbledore's speeches.
48. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the halls.
49. I will not tell first years that Professor Snape is the voice of God.
50. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is 'Headmaster' not 'My Liege'.
51.Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying 'The Library is closed for an indefinite time period' amusing in any way.
52. I will not teach House Elves to impersonate Jar-Jar Binks.
53. I will not refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.
54. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys' Is not an appropriate career choice.
55. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him hey are real animals.
56. I will not use my socks to make puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.
57. If asked in class what the Avada Kedevra curse does, yelling "IT DOES DEATH!" may be correct, but is not the manner one should answer.
58. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." To Voldemort.
59. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class with singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".
60. First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
61. It's a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
62. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
63. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I will not use war cries to announce my entrance in a class room.
64. I will not wear my "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!" shirt to school.
65. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
66. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.
67. I will not insist that the Hufflepuff colors make them look like they're covered in bees.
68. I will not make kalamari out of the giant squid.
69. A wand is for magic only, not for picking noses, playing snooker or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
70. House elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.
71. I will not refer to taking showers as "giving Moaning Murtle an eyeful."
72. When called upon in class, I will not always insist the correct answer is "42".
73. I am not allowed to bother Snape.
74. Dumbledore does not have "nakie time"
75. Harry Potter does not have "Wizard Angst".
76. There is no such thing as a "Wizard Swear".
77. I will not ask Snape how to make a love potion on Valentine's day.
78. The thestrals do not represent the muggle toys known as "My Little Pony"
79. Muggle hunting is strictly illegal.

[* JAQI]

80. Professor Snape does not appreciate having cheering charms cast on him.
81. Dumbledore is not Santa Claus, and I am not allowed to have my picture taken while sitting on his lap.
82. Initiating a food fight in the Great Hall is inappropriate.
83. When Professor McGongall coughs it is unacceptable to ask her if she had a hairball.
84. Voldemort and Bellatrix LeStrange never had a love child.
85. Recreating the sinking of the Titanic in the Great Lake is not a good idea.
86. The portraits do not find it amusing when their pictures are modified.
87. Snape, Voldemort, and Lucius Malfoy are not the best people to send singing Christmas cards to during the holidays.
88. During the annual June battle of Good vs. Evil it is not necessary to stick my wand in the air and yell "There can be only one!" before delivering a fatal spell.
89. I am not to claim that my X-Files tapes are Auror Training videos.
90. Slytherin and Gryffindor first years are not to be used as Christmas decorations.
91. I am not allowed to make jokes about Remus Lupin's "time of the month."
92. I will not put muggle fairytale books in the history section of the library.
93. The Ghostbusters are fictional, and even if they did exist I would not be allowed to call them in on the resident ghosts of Hogwarts.
94. When being interrogated by a staff member, I am not allowed to wave my hand and say "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
95. I am not allowed to magically animate animal crackers.
96. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series while doing my Arithmancy exams.
97. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand,
98. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni challenge him to a duel, and then have students shout "ni" at him from varying directions.
99. Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley are not to be referred to as Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup.
100. "You might be a pureblood if..." jokes will generally get me into trouble, especially if told near Slytherins.
101. I do not, nor can I ever have, a Pikachu Patronus.
102. I will not address Umbridge by putting my arm straight out and loudly saying "Heil Umbridge!".
103. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for a class play.
104. Saying "That's no moon" during Astronomy class is only funny the first time.