Losing your memory ((Wren))

[zachariahfoldger]

It was cold. That's all Zach was aware of at this moment in time but he found as well he didn't care. In fact he welcomed the bitterness of the weather, the way it seemed to seep through his skin and penetrate his bones. It was a welcomed distraction to the thousand and one thoughts racing through his mind, those nameless faces, those empty places where he knew there should be memories. The cold helped scare away the loneliness he felt, the complete, all consuming confusion and guilt he felt every time he failed to remember something he knew, in his gut he should know. It was beyond frustrating because he knew the knowledge was there, locked somewhere inside his head he just couldn't access it.

The worst part of all this was the people he'd been told were his family. Wren, the children, they were beautiful and he could feel it inside himself he should know them but something was numbing him to that fact. He'd visited plenty of Doctors over the months since the mission in which he'd been told, was where he'd been hurt. Some powerful memory spell, mixed in with the trauma he'd suffered to his head when he'd fallen downstairs had left him completely blank. They said only time would tell, he could get all his memory back, or none at all and the longer it went, the less hopeful Zach was becoming he'd remember any of his old life.

It was strange, he'd met the people he knew were his parents but couldn't remember them. He could feel the love he was supposed to have for them and his own'family' but couldn't access it. There was some block in place and it was beyond frustrating, as well as sad. He wanted the life he saw in the pictures, he wanted to be the man he saw in them, he wanted to know his wife and children. None of it was fair, and every day that went on the more depressed he was beginning to get. He was hurting those who loved him he knew it, and it was killing him, he was beginning to hate himself as well.

He was unshaven, without a coat, sat out in the garden behind the house he was sharing with Wren, their family home. The sun had long since gone down, the snow fell lightly, the only light coming from the house as well as the hundreds of little fairy lights hidden in the bushes all around the large garden. How long he'd been sat out here alone he didn't know, he couldn't even remember when he was due his nightly dose of potion to try and aid in his memory coming back, all he knew was the cold was a nice distraction. He was so lost in his thoughts, he didn't even hear the door to the house open, or the crunching of footsteps in the snow, moving towards him. All he could focus on was the cold and the constant searching inside his mind for the key, the key to unlock the memories he longed to find...

[wren]

Wren sighed, flicking her wand at the mess left by the children, she had finally gotten Poppy to sleep- the other three children had gone to bed around forty-five minutes before, but the girl had been fussy. She was exhausted, she loved her children and her husband more than anything in the world, but her life of late was more than exhausting. Four kids, the oldest of who was four years old. It was still hard to believe, however, Ruby had grown up so quickly, and Daniel was nearly two... Then the twins would reach their first birthday come May... And Zach couldn't remember any of it.

It was challenge enough to keep from breaking down crying. Wren just wanted her husband back, he was there physically, but he wasn't the same man. The most heartbreaking part was that she knew he was trying, but there was simply something of a blockade between who he was now and the man he had used to be then. It was as if his memories had been locked away and there wasn't a key in existence to free them. It was painful to watch, and each passing day she felt her heart break a little more for him, for her, for their family.

Wren peered around the ground floor, looking for Zach, though when she didn't see him grabbed her cloak, and his which had been left hanging in the foyer.She knew he had taken to sitting in her now lifeless garden, the first time he had done it she panicked, thinking he had wandered off and gotten lost somewhere, but now she didn't worry when he couldn't be found in the house. She would simply go out and join him. She trudged through the snow in her heavy boots, she was sick of winter...

She walked up beside her husband and quietly draped his cloak on his shoulders to keep him warm, it really was too cold for him to be out without some sort of outerwear. She bit her lip for a moment, thinking on something to say. It wasn't easy to talk to Zach anymore, it was like a good amount of him was missing, all the bits and pieces that she had used to connect with, the things that they had stayed up until one in the morning talking about, the places they had danced together, the intimacy they had had... She missed her husband so badly, but refused to abandon hope that he wasn't still in there somewhere...

"Pitiful, isn't it, the state of this garden," Wren said softly, nudging at the snow with the toe of her boot, "it's so beautiful in the spring and summer. I have my herbs there, and vegetables along the path there, and then in the back are the flowers." She pointed out each of the areas were she grew the respective plants, wondering if perhaps it might jog some sort of memory, but she didn't get her hopes up, nothing thus far had. "I think I might do sunflowers this year, what do you think?" She had done violets the year before...

[katherine]

Zach looked up when he felt the cloak being draped over his shoulders, his whole body going tense, though he relaxed slightly when he saw it was Wren. Shooting her a small smile, he turned away again, a frown etching itself back into his features. He felt guilty every single time he looked at the beautiful blonde, guilty for not remembering what they shared. He obviously felt that flicker of recognition whenever he did look at her, but those pictures, the children none of it was familiar to him and he couldn't stomach thinking he was letting these people, people he didn't even know down, he could see it in her eyes.

He spent time with the children of course, he'd engage with them but couldn't give them the comfort they needed from their Dad. He could see the pain in their eyes as well when he maintained a clinical distance. When Wren began to talk again he looked up at her, then to the garden, watching the spots in which she indicated to trying to figure out if he already knew that but like everything, it was a clean white board, there was no flicker of familiarity. Sighing softly he scratched at the stubble on his face before running his fingers through his hair, looking back at her briefly and nodding his head.

"Sunflowers sound good...I think...I mean I'm sure they'll look great, once the snow disappears." he said, shooting a small, unsure smile. Gnawing at the inside of his cheek he looked around before nodding to the seat beside him, not wanting her to feel like she had to stand, "You can sit if you want." he told her gently, crossing his arms over his chest before refocusing his gaze back onto the garden, his trademark frown appearing back on his face, immediately trying to figure things out inside his head.

[wren]

Wren lightly bit down on her tongue as Zach flinched, she hadn't meant to startle him, she had thought for sure that her boots might have made more noise in the snow. A certain ache which had manifested itself in her chest ever since Zach had woken up from a coma-like state and not known who she was intensified as she looked at her husband. She knew he was trying, unfortunately it seemed that all the effort in the world on either of their parts wasn't helping their case. It made Wren feel so utterly hopeless, and for a person as optimistic as she it was near crippling.

Wren just wanted her husband back, plain and simple. She was desperately craving the intimacy that they had used to have, not just in the acts that had given them the four children that Zach had no recollection of, but the other things. She missed the arms around her waist from behind, walking with him hand-in-hand, the cuddling... Wren was a very physical person and she loved Zach more than she had ever loved anyone, it was killing her slowly to have her husband be reduced to this state. Sure, she could still touch him, but without him there to reciprocate her feelings, it was as if it wasn't worth it, and she was sure that it made him feel awkward.

But Wren would be strong, she had to be. Frankly, she was sick of it, all she wanted to do lately was break down and cry, but someone had to be the strong one, there was nobody else to be the rock for the family- the kids needed some sort of stability in their lives. "Yes, they do sound like a lovely idea, I'm sure they'll fair better this summer, we had a terrible drought last year," said Wren. Smiling, though it was slightly strained, Wren sat beside Zach after he offered.

[zachariahfoldger]

Zach looked across at Wren as she spoke, he didn't miss the strained smile, the way it didn't touch her eyes and he felt that guilt fill his chest again. He was hurting her and he hated that, he didn't want to, it wasn't something he was doing on purpose but the point was it was there, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't give her what it was she wanted. Though when he looked at her, when they spoke, he could see why he had fallen for her the first time, she was beautiful, both inside and out. There was a gracefulness about her he found remarkable, even through all of this she stayed strong. He supposed she had to for the children, but still, she could have given up on him, saved herself this pain but here she was still trying...and he found that an attractive quality for sure.

"I wish I could remember." he replied, sighing in frustration, his head pounding. Running his fingers through the top of his hair, messing it up a little he shook his head and looked across the garden. "I wish I could remember something...anything...just so I didn't feel so disconnected. It's like..." he blew out a breath, trying to think of how to say what was on his mind. "I know this is my life all of it, it's there inside of me but I can't reach it you know..." he said turning his head slightly to look at her, a pained look filling his expression before he had to look away from her.

"I'm hurting you and those children and I hate that, I don't mean to..." he said quietly and honestly after a few long moments past between them. Looking down at his hand and the wedding ring there, he stared at the simple gold band, feeling that familiar flicker of something within him but nothing he could grab onto. He was so lost, almost drifting at it was slowly eating away at him, he wanted this family but why couldn't he connect with them, remember them....it wasn't fair.

[wren]

Wren shivered slightly as she drew her cloak more tightly around herself, it was freezing outside. She was sick of the cold. The dreary overcast, the endless snow, bitter cold, and the howling winds. Out here in the country, there wasn't anything to detract from it. Sure, in the wood about a mile and a half east of the property there was protection from the wind, and the dense canopy of even the naked tree branches was enough to prevent much snow accumulation on the ground. Wren liked to go there of late when she had a moment to herself, to walk and pretend that it wasn't winter, it was still cold and the trees were decidedly lifeless, but it didn't feel quite so barren.

The other place where Wren would go when she had her moments, was the grave of her sister. She had used to hate graveyards, hated the idea of death and loss, and that it was a place where those two things lingered indefinitely, though after coming to terms with Violet's brutal murder, she found almost a sense of peace there. It was quiet, she could hear herself think, and it was almost tranquil in a way. Nobody was rushed, no one was being loud, everyone there was quiet and tending to their own business, not paying her any mind.

How things had changed, normally Wren would hate something like that. She was a social butterfly, she loved to chat and get to know people, had never had any trepidation about approaching total strangers if they appeared like they might be friendly. Maybe it was because she didn't have the energy for it anymore, Wren was in a state of near-perpetual exhaustion, perhaps not physically, but emotionally she was beyond drained. She was worn out from all that was going on in her world, she couldn't handle what was going on with other people, not right then. Wren gave another tensed smile, though this was more of the comforting, sympathetic sort, when Zach spoke of his frustrations. So silly of her, to think only of herself, it must be hard on him, too. "Nobody blames you," said Wren, instinctively taking his hand and lightly kissing his knuckles, "it'll come back." She might be foolishly optimistic, but she didn't care, if she wasn't she might fall apart.