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Nov 29, 2024 1:25:50 GMT -7
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Post by potter on Jun 17, 2012 8:25:03 GMT -7
page 017 13 july, 2024
Well, I'm not pregnant (thank God for that), though I have still managed to find a way to be miserable. Currently I am writing from the Antarctic, as I have gone on a mission with the Order to see if we can't get dementors to our side, or at least agree to neutrality, before the Death Eaters get to them. It is woefully miserable here, so cold that I don't think that I'll ever be properly warm again, though it's not just from the weather, it's the dementors. They have a funny way of freezing your insides.
Not in a temperature cold way, though it seems as if anything that makes life worth living has gone away, you stop caring about the things that were important to you... It's no wonder people used to go mad in Azkaban before the ministry deported all the dementors. I wish I could say how the negotiations are going, it's difficult to determine that when you're speaking with something that can neither talk nor see. Though they have a certain way of implanting their reactions into humans, I don't think words can accurately describe how it works, I can just feel it.
They don't seem to be angry or upset (which is most definitely a good thing), they seem... Intrigued somehow. As if they've never had someone approach them in this manner. Though I do suppose that our ways with dealing with dementors might be a little unorthodox. Most people, because of their fear for them, attempt to overpower them, just as they were forced into guarding Azkaban all those years ago. I suspect that is why during the last war they were so quick to join the Death Eaters.
They're not human, not even beings, though that doesn't mean they appreciate slavery. I can only hope that negotiations will continue to go smoothly, I feel so weak already, I'm not sure if I could conjure a Patronus strong enough to hold them off should things go sour... At any rate, I should be asleep, in a few hours it'll be my shift to keep watch, I don't want to nod off then. If I get spare time I might write more whilst I'm here.
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Nov 29, 2024 1:25:50 GMT -7
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Post by potter on Jul 26, 2012 16:42:58 GMT -7
page 018 15 september
Yet again I wonder why I bother keeping a journal, it seems I either forget about it entirely, or don't have the motivation to actually write in it. Though for once I feel that I've a happy reason to write in it. I'm engaged! Well, actually, I've been engaged for a little over a month now- Erik proposed over an intimate dinner in his flat. But I still get distracted by the ring- I'll be at my desk at work, filling in paperwork, and the diamond will catch the light... We're keeping things fairly quiet for now, Erik and I, I don't think either of us want the attention.
And, well, I'm almost afraid of how my father will react. He's never been easy to read about these things, I'm not sure what he feels about Erik. Hell, we still don't even have any details figured out in regards to the wedding. I figure that'll be the next topic of discussion when we get to see each other again. It's difficult sometimes, what with us being so busy at work. I don't think I've mentioned- Erik was made a professor at Hogwarts, he teaches music there. I couldn't be more proud of him, finding a career that suits his passions so well.
Really, life seems to be flourishing around us, and even with the state that the world is in... We've found a way to grow all the same. No matter what happens, life goes on. That's what I have to remind myself, even if it reminds me of how much my mother has missed. How much she will continue to miss. She won't be there to see me get married to the man I love. It's a painful topic, it seems that any girl from a good home wants her mother to be at her wedding, go with her to find a dress...
But my mum won't be there, she wasn't even there when we got back together. I miss her so much. But it's not the same agony anymore, I don't feel ripped apart, just... Scarred. I'll never forget her, but I don't need to struggle to hold myself together anymore. I just wish she were here.
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Nov 29, 2024 1:25:50 GMT -7
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Post by potter on Aug 29, 2012 16:07:16 GMT -7
page 019 20 november
Like always I have managed to find a way to be neglectful of actually using my journal, though I suppose this time it's for a good reason. My hectic work schedule hasn't changed, and on top of that Erik and I have a wedding to plan. The details are falling into place now, thankfully, as we've set the date for the end of January, it's about two months away now. Yes, I'm nervous, though I've remained more happy about it than anything else. It's not actually marrying Erik I'm nervous about, it's the attention.
I've never been comfortable being the centre of attention. Stares follow me everywhere anyway, simply because of who my father is, and here I am, planning an event where that's supposed to be the point. The idea of it makes me uncomfortable. Though I suppose once we're there and it's happening I'll be fine. Perhaps it is only the idea. I don't think I'll be paying anyone else much attention on that day. Really, a wedding... I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it at times.
Though I can sense some tension in the works. I'm still not really sure what my dad thinks, he hasn't been terribly clear about what he thinks. And though I will marry Erik regardless, it would be a relief to know that he approves. And I'm growing a bit concerned about Natalia, I'm not sure if she approves of me. I know how much she means to Erik and vice versa, and I cannot help but feel that I might be intruding on what they already have. I want to be someone that she can talk to, not necessarily a maternal figure, but maybe something like a big sister.
I'm just terrified of messing anything up. Funny, given my line of work how the idea of not getting along with a thirteen-year-old girl completely terrifies me. I've dueled with some of the most dangerous Dark wizards in the country, yet I fret over whether or not Nat will approve of me. Though I do suppose this isn't a simple issue, far from it. If anything of a family is going to work from this it's imperative that I don't alienate Natalia. Such is the fate of a wedding, I suppose. Any unresolved feelings will surface as the date approaches, I just hope that I am capable of dealing with them.
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Post by potter on Oct 23, 2012 16:30:03 GMT -7
page 020 19 march
Things definitely have not been going well, not even close. Less than a month after my last entry Hogwarts was savagely attacked. So many people died, so many were wounded, and there is such a deep scar on the entire magical community. Though the worst has yet to pass, at least for Erik and I. Natalia was abducted during the battle, and we have yet to find her. Not a day goes by where the thought doesn't make me sick, but I feel so powerless to do anything, I don't know where to turn, where to look. It's terrifying to think about.
What if we're too late? What if they've killed her? I try not to think about it like that, but it's been three months since the attack on the school, I almost can't help it. It seems that nothing I do is working, and I'm becoming panicky. My anxiety is flaring up, I've taken up smoking again, I'm losing sleep and, frightfully, weight. In such a stressful time anorexia is more difficult to manage, but I can't afford to relapse, not now, not when there is still so much left to do, still people left to find- hopefully alive, though I'm afraid a good number of us have abandoned hope.
Everything is falling apart at the seams, the Order hasn't been faring as well, as we've been without Persephone and many key members who went missing during the battle. It's just so hard, so much is falling on my shoulders and I feel I'm collapsing under the pressure, I'm just falling apart. But there isn't anyone that I should talk to about it, everyone else is under as much stress as I am, if not more. And yet, life continues to go on, dragging us behind it, piling more things we're incapable of dealing with on top of us.
Things need to look up soon. I'm not sure how much more I can take.
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