``f o r g i v e me {Cora Ressel}

[girlingreen]

Dear Diary,

I guess I should start by saying that I found this journal amongst my mother's things. Clearly she had planned on writing in it, but her life ended before she was able to do so. I have decided that this journal will be mine to write in, not to chronicle my life as she did, but rather to explain it. My words aren't intended as excuses, but I want to someday be able to tell this to my brothers, who I know won't forgive me until I explain myself.

The whole thing really started a long time ago. Before Dean and I were born actually. The first of my mother's journals is from when she was still pregnant with Bradly. So that already puts me at like negative 5. Still, that's where the story starts, so I'll start there too. But tomorrow. Today's story is mine, not hers. Sorry Mom, but my story starts with me.

I was eight and it was Christmas Eve. I was home alone; Bradly stayed at Hogwarts that year and Dean was spending Christmas somewhere else (I can't remember where). Anyways, Dad came home just before midnight. He was horribly drunk, more than I had ever thought was possible. He started yelling at me, and got a knife from the kitchen and chased me around the house. He called me Carlotta and said he was going to kill me. He couldn't believe I was alive. And no matter how much I screamed at him that I wasn't her, that I was his little girl, he didn't listen. He left me to die on the living room floor in a pool of my own blood.

So I guess I've sort of always known that my father had a part in killing my mother. But like I already wrote, the story begins before I was born. So next time I write, I'll tell that story. And some day, I hope Dean can read this, because he deserves to know too. I only hope that Dean can one day forgive me for everything I've done.

-Cora

[girlingreen]

April 15th

I've never been the type to keep a journal. I guess that's why I forgot to write here for a little while. I'll do my best because I know I have to get all of this off my chest, but frankly there are some days that I don't feel like sharing. Today is one of those days, so I'll make this one about Mom before I get too lost in the woe that is me.

I should start by saying that most of this is in Mom's journals. But some parts I've hard to piece together from prior knowledge. The story starts with Mom and Dad meeting in school, falling in love, and getting married. It wasn't quite that simple, though. Sure there was some obvious chemistry between them, but their relationship wasn't always perfect. They fought a lot, even after they got married. Carlotta was half-veela and Marcus was handsome enough in his own right. So they didn't exactly marry each other because their personalities were compatible. They really weren't at all.

Carlotta wrote in one of her journals after Bradly was born that she had been in the Order of the Phoenix since a few months before she was married. When Bradly was three, she found out that Marcus was a Death Eater. I guess it was a bit of a shock for her to find out that her husband, whom she had thought she knew everything about was working with Voldemort's followers, but in Carlotta's journals, she doesn't seem as surprised. When you're a Slytherin, you don't get too surprised about that, I guess. It's more surprising to me that she, as a former Slytherin, had joined the Order. But Houses aren't perfect.

Carlotta was a fake after that. She spilled to the Order and became a spy in her own home, finding out as much about what Marcus was doing as she could. It wasn't pretty and I get the feeling she was fairly miserable, but Carlotta always promised she would take care of Bradly. And when she found out she was pregnant with twins, she promised to take care of them too.

Obviously, that didn't work out. Shortly before Dean and I were born, Marcus found out what Carlotta was up to. He didn't say anything or let on, but she had a feeling that he knew. After giving birth to us, Carlotta was very weak. Marcus took advantage of this and killed her in the hospital room, making it look like she had died due to complications.

So that's the story of how Mom died. Dad's death is a shorter one. When the Order found out that Carlotta was dead, they suspected Marcus had a hand in it. They found sufficient proof a long while later and then a group of Order members were sent to our house to kill him. I'm pretty sure they were unaware that three kids were hiding in a closet, thinking that the Death Eaters had come. It's hard to blame us for thinking that our father was good.

So that's the story of my parents. But if you're reading this, Dean, know that I've only just begun. This is a lousy excuse for an explanation of my actions, but if I thought I could write all that in one night, I'd be kidding myself. I do hope you read this some day. I have a feeling I might not always be here to tell you myself.

-Cora

[girlingreen]

May 3rd

I'm really lousy at remembering to write in here. I thought I would write every day, or nearly ever day, but it's been over two weeks since I last made myself write in this journal. But anyway, today's story is about me, so we'll fast-forward to the time of my father's death.

I remember that day more vividly than I ever thought I would. Bradly hid Dean and I in the closet near the door when the Order members entered the house. My brothers thought they were Death Eaters, but I was never quite convinced. Now I know that we were just naive in thinking that our father was a good man.

Even though the door was closed, we could hear the sounds of a fight, spells flying everywhere. I remember huddling tight to Bradly, crying. At last there was a flash of green light that we could see through the cracks of the door, illuminating our hiding place. We all held our breath until there weren't any more sounds in the house.

Bradly left the closet first, then Dean, then finally me. Even though part of me hated Dad for what he was, I was still horrified to see him dead. Bradly tried to shield him from view, but I remember seeing his face. His eyes were open, but glazed over. It was terrifying and horrible. Even though the Order had good reason to kill him, I still wish they would have at least closed his eyes.

I think you remember all of that too Dean, though I'm not sure. Maybe you've blocked it from your memory. But when I fall asleep at night, sometimes I relive that day, just as vividly as the first time. I know you're mad, and I know that I've betrayed you. But please remember that day. Because as awful as it was for you, it was the same for me.

-Cora

[girlingreen]

May 14th

I've really screwed it up this time, that's for sure. I don't know exactly what I did, but I did let my temper flare for a moment. I would give the whole part-veela excuse, but I think anyone would have felt a bit attacked by what Dean asked. Still, I should have kept my temper in check. Because now he is no longer speaking to me. I'm alone again. It's like a living nightmare.

I've promised to explain myself, so even though Dean didn't listen, I'll write what I wanted to say here. Dean missed the point, so maybe I should explain more thoroughly. Marcus Ressel being a Death Eater was not the reason I joined. My mom is the reason- I think she might be the reason driving me day by day. Because I've almost figured out what it was like to be her. And that's all I've ever really wanted. To know if I'm like my mother or not. She's never been around to compare myself now, so I manage the best I can.

I joined the Death Eaters without much of the knowledge I've already disclosed. I did not know the conditions of Mom's death, but I was aware that Marcus had a hand in killing her. Part of my reasoning was that I wanted to know why he would kill his beloved wife. I've figured that out, obviously. But then I hadn't. Since Marcus was a Death Eater, I figured Mom either was one or knew about their doings through Marcus. Obviously I was wrong on that front.

So I decided to join with the intent of not only figuring out my mother, but figuring out myself as well. I am more like her than I ever would have known before. And there's a part of me that will always be like Marcus too, though I hate that I have a dark side. Everyone does, so I try not to dwell on it too much. I'm going to control the dark side as best I can and figure out what I can do to help the cause Mom once worked for. The Order.

For now, I will wait and watch. Observe my fellow Death Eaters and more importantly, Isabelle herself. If I can provide the Order with any helpful information that could save lives, I will. It's a dangerous thing, but I guess I know what it was like for Mom to stay with Marcus, spying on him. I'm that too. For now I keep my mind blank around Isabelle, these thoughts pushed to the back of my mind. It's one of the things I'm better at.

I'm a fake too. It's harder than anyone could ever imagine.

-Cora