Breaking Point...((Benjamin))

[katherine]

The house was quiet, still. The children were tucked up in bed, carefree, innocent, completely oblivious to all the negative things around them. In a way Katherine envied her boys, what she wouldn't give for that peace, even if only for a moment. She craved the ability to just believe, believe in the goodness of the world but she was wiser, jaded and right now...alone. The wife and Mother of two was up late, sleep was something that didn't come too easily lately, in fact it didn't come at all. She was exhausted but she couldn't shut down, the pain inside her was too great to shut off. In fact part of her doubted it would ever go away, how could it, this wasn't something you could just get over.

Benjamin wasn't here. Hadn't been for the last two weeks, he'd been on a mission for the order...again. Even after the trauma of losing part of his leg, he refused to stop. In fact he'd become more involved in the missions, especially after the attack on the school. There was some part of her that could understand his need to do something, but the other part of her hated it. Especially now, especially after...she hated Benjamin for leaving, leaving her alone. Her chest throbbed painfully again, forcing her to pause and inhale deeply.

He hadn't been here. Here when she needed him the most, and to make matters worse she hadn't been able to get in contact with him to tell him, tell him that she'd miscarried the baby she hadn't even been aware she'd been carrying. It was strange, the miscarriage had been painful, traumatic and even though she hadn't known she was with child she felt the loss just as much as she would have had she known. It was devastating. Shaking her head, Katherine focused on the dishes in the sink, finding herself doing them by hand instead of through magic. Staring blankly out of the window, she was vaquely aware of the door opening but she didn't head out to greet Benjamin...she knew it was him because there was no one else who'd get through the wards and usually she was ecstatic that he'd come home alive but now, she felt numb...shaking her head, she sighed softly and continued washing the dishes almost mechanically...

[benjamin]

No luck again. Benjamin was gradually becoming more and more frustrated, more desperate. Four months it had been since the attack, and they had yet to be able to track down their missing ranks. He had just been off on a two week mission and they had again returned empty-handed. If there was one thing he detested it was failure, and he couldn't stand knowing that they had men and women who were continually being tortured. That was, if they weren't too late. He hated thinking that way, but he knew it wouldn't take too long for them to overstay the Death Eater's welcome.

If any of them were dead because he'd been unable to find them in time... Benjamin wouldn't be able to live with himself. But as for now, he needed to head home, to his wife and kids, for some much-needed rest before they went to investigate the next lead. One that would likely be false again. Benjamin scoffed at his own pessimistic thinking as he appeared on the doorstep of his house, whipping out his wand and disabling the protective enchantments on the house to allow himself in. Once inside, he wasted no time in restoring them, one could never be too careful these days.

Benjamin dragged a hand down his face before removing his cloak and stowing it in the closet. After removing his shoe from the leg that still had a foot, he set off for the kitchen where the lights were still on. He saw his wife washing dishes by hand rather by magic, and he could immediately sense that something was off, she seemed so emotionless, and she looked pale... He walked up behind her, slipping his arms around her waist and pressing a kiss to her cheek. Benjamin didn't say anything just yet, though he knew for a fact something wasn't right...

[katherine]

Katherine swallowed as Benjamin walked into the kitchen, listening to his pause but she didn't react. It wasn't until his arms slipped around her waist and pressed his lips to her cheek that her entire body tensed. That one gesture usually made her feel amazing, safe and loved but now, she wasn't sure what she felt. Closing her eyes she tensed and she pulled out of his arms, moving to the side and away from him where she began wiping down the sides. They were meticulously clean already, she'd cleaned them 5 times tonight but it didn't matter.

"Wasn't expecting you home..." she said finally after a few moments, not looking at him, her voice slightly hoarse from lack of use. Tucking her hair behind her ear she threw the cloth down beside the sink, heading to the back door to let in the dog. He came in, and instead of rushing to greet Benjamin like usual the dog hovered around Katherine, almost protectively, as though keeping an eye on her the same as he had when she had been pregnant with the boys. The thought made her pause and she shook her head, taking a breath to stem the painful tug in her chest.

"Hungry? she asked shortly, brushing past him and opening the fridge to find something she could heat up for him, anything to remain distracted. Feelings she'd been ignoring where suddenly stirring up within her and she needed to distract herself, not ready to confront them. The strongest one though was anger, a white hot anger suddenly burning within her, and towards Benjamin, and in turn it made her heart ache. She loved him deeply, but the pain of the miscarriage he'd not been here to support her through just a few days ago burnt hot inside of her.

[benjamin]

The feeling that something was wrong only intensified as Katherine didn't respond to him the way that she usually did, but rather tensed as if he were hurting her. And before a few seconds had passed she pulled away. Benjamin allowed her to free herself from his arms, but he frowned, wondering what on earth had gotten into her, what had happened. Something must have occurred whilst he was gone, this wasn't the Katherine that he knew. They had been together for too long for him to not notice when something was up. Though all the same, he couldn't help but feel a little hurt at her rejection.

Benjamin's gaze followed his wife as she went to let the dog in, who surprisingly didn't bolt to come and greet him after his two week absence, but instead hovered around his wife. Now the dog was acting off, too. "The lead turned out to be rubbish again," said Benjamin, running his hand through his hair and refraining from letting out a heavy sigh. He knew things weren't easy around here, and he did feel guilty about leaving her alone time and time again, but surely she understood that he had duties to fulfill for the Order.

He had given his word that he would fight until the end, never leave a comrade behind. And Benjamin was a man of his word, once he had given it, it was law and he could be held accountable. He couldn't give up when their fellow Order members needed to be saved. "No, I'm not," said Benjamin, and truthfully he wasn't, he was more tired and concerned for his wife than anything else. Deciding that he could no longer watch her like this without knowing what was going on, he spoke up again. "What's wrong? And don't you deny there isn't something up," said Benjamin, his gaze slightly narrowed, not out of anger, but of close observation.

[/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[katherine]

Usually she'd be concerned, of course she would, she knew people who'd been taken in that attack and she could only pray and hope that they were okay, that by some miracle god brought them back alive. Though right now she was feeling slightly more jaded. "So I take it that means your heading back out at some point...?" it was posed as more of a statement than a question. Katherine knew Benjamin, and she knew he wasn't going to sit around, and whilst part of her, some missing part right now loved her husband for that, another part of her hated him for it. Every mission was another time she had to wonder if she was ever going to see him again.

She closed the fridge again, lightly stroking the Dogs head as he continued to hover by her side, sniffing. Benjamin wasn't hungry, so again she had nothing to do, and she bristled at his question. Closing her eyes she turned away from him and sighed, as an attempt to calm her body. Every single part of body ached, she hurt physically and emotionally and her heart hurt. What was wrong? Could she really just tell him, it'd devastate him, but right now she couldn't worry about that because she was already feeling to much. "I tried to contact you three nights agoy...but no one would tell me where you where you were." she told him, finally turning around.

Still she found it hard to look at him but she forced her eyes to fix on him, on his face. "I couldn't find you...you were supposed to be here...your gone all the time, you leave me and our children here alone with no second thought...it's like you have this insane need to be out there all the time, fighting, risking you life..." she shook her head, and tilted her face down. "You were supposed to be here...and you weren't...again...I-I...I was pregnant..." she looked up at him, her eyes glazing over as she held onto the side with both hands, her knuckles going white, "I-I lost the baby....3 nights ago I didn't...didn't know I was pregnant, not until it started..." she cut off and looked away from him, taking a shuddering breath, her body trembling with both the devastation of the loss and the unconstrained anger towards Benjamin.

[benjamin]

Benjamin watched his wife carefully, she looked as if she were a ticking time bomb, about to explode at any second. There was so much she was holding back, he could feel the tension on the air, it was thick like smoke. Truthfully, he was almost afraid of what it might be, there was something terribly wrong and he could sense it, and he wasn't sure exactly how bad it was. Benjamin nodded in a somber way as Katherine stated he would be going back out again. At the moment, he was exhausted, frustrated beyond comprehension, but he knew restlessness would set in again soon enough. They still had people out there that needed to be found.

He wouldn't rest easily until they were back where they belonged, or, in the worst case scenario, bodies were found. Benjamin leaned on the counter, stretching out his leg a bit, absently reaching down to scratch at where his prosthetic met what was left of his leg. He waited until Katherine turned around to face him once more. His stomach clenched when she said she had tried to get a hold of him three days ago, though there had been a strict clearance on their location and whom they were allowed to contact...

Benjamin opened his mouth the defend himself, as Katherine's words had struck an exhausted, extraordinarily stressed nerve. Did she not care that there were fellow Order members either dead or still out there? What if their time was running out? Though he allowed her to finish, her words hitting him like a freight train. He dragged a hand down his face, wanting to go comfort his wife, but with the way she had shrugged him off before... "Oh my God," said Benjamin, it was killing him keeping his distance, "Kat, I... I don't know what to say..."

[katherine]

Katherine continued to look at Benjamin after she'd spoken, not sure what she'd been expecting, but his reaction was one she had kind of expected. Nothing. Shaking her head she wiped away the tears that fell onto her cheeks and she turned away, laughing softly though it held no humor before she ran her hands through her hair. "Yeah...I figured..." she said, shaking her head again before taking her leave and heading into the living room, shaking her hands out as she did so before she began straightening the room, no magic again.

Bending down she winced, three days and her entire body was still quite tender. Pressing a hand to her stomach she straightened and blew out a breath, glancing over her shoulder towards Benjamin. Her entire body was still tense and shaking and she was struggling to reign in whatever emotions were coursing through her right now. "So how longs this next trip a few days, a week, how about a couple of months...so eager to go save everyone else but for the people who need you the most you don't seem to care..." she said, low blow yes, but right now it was how she felt. Irrational maybe but that's how it was.

"I lost my baby...and I needed you here with me...those boys upstairs needed you with them when I went the hospital...instead Zach had to mind them." her voice cracked as more tears fell and she shook her head again taking a breath. Maybe she was being irrational and saying things she didn't mean or did she? Right now she wasn't too sure, there was anger there for sure but in a way she understood "Your never here Ben...never and I am tired of missing you and waiting for that knock on the door that tells me my husband is dead...those boys upstairs, they don't expect you to be home to see them to bed anymore...I can't do this anymore..." she sobbed shaking her head, and squeezing her eyes closed, "Not now...not after losing my baby...we're not enough for you anymore. Are we? We never had been...your always gonna wanna be out there, fighting..." she calmed considerably as she spoke again and looked at him, daring him to deny it.

[benjamin]

Benjamin continued to keep his gaze locked on Katherine, though his stress was showing, his tensed posture, the sorrow in his eyes, and the patch of hair at his front hairline that was currently standing straight up from all the times he had dragged his hand through it. Her hollow, humourless laugh grated deep on his soul, making him want to wince, though he kept a straight face. This wasn't the woman he married, physically, yes she was, but the way that she was acting toward him was brutal. Didn't she know all the things he had done for them, for this family? Couldn't she see it was a need for him to find their lost men and women?

Was her own loyalty wavering? His wife had been in the Order as long as he had, surely she knew how important this was. Persephone was gone, had been since December. Their entire efforts may go to shambles without her, moral was low, everyone was beginning to abandon hope... A fire began showing in his eyes at Katherine's words, how dare she say something like that when all he had done, all he ever did, was for the benefit of other people. There were lives at stake out there, yes, losing a baby was tragic, the news was tearing him apart, but for her to attack him like that...

As much as he wanted to tear right back into her, go straight for the bone as she had done to him, Ben bit his tongue, letting his wife exhaust her words, his overtly tired and overwhelmed paving way to anger. His posture tensed, a gently pulsating vein beginning to surface at his right temple, which only ever happened when he got really mad. "You can't expect me to just leave them out there! I gave a promise, you gave a promise, that we would do whatever it was that the Order needed! I can't turn my back on that now- the longer we wait the less of a chance we've got at getting anyone back alive," said Benjamin, his tone more frustrated than anything else, though gradually increasing in volume, "I sacrifice so much for all of you, don't you see that? I gave up my career when I was in my prime for a goddamn desk job! Don't you know how much I love you, and John, and Jack? How much I would have loved..." he paused to swallow a lump forming in his throat, his voice cracking slightly and getting much softer, "who might have been?"

[katherine]

Katherine glanced at him but couldn't find it in her to take back what she'd said. Maybe she'd delivered low blows but the last few years were finally catching up with her and finally coming out. Benjamin was angry but she couldn't stop, it took all her strength to resist the urge to butt in when he began speaking. His voice was rising with every word thrown in her direction, and she glanced worriedly towards the door, hoping the boys didn't wake up, that was the last thing that situation needed. The sound of his voice as he ended his rant broke her heart and she had to look away, wiping the tears from her cheeks furiously.

"I have never once questioned how much you love us Benjamin....never." she told him, fixing her gaze onto him, tilting her head to the side slightly. "And I wish I could find it in me to be out there more, doing what I can, but I can't...I do what little I can but I won't be taken away from my boys. It makes me physically sick to be away from them...and if that makes me a bad person then fine I'm a bad person..." she shook her head and walked around the sofa, crossing her arms over her chest tightly, taking a deep steadying breath. "I didn't force you to give up your career Ben, that was your decision and to be honest, you took a desk job sure...but 9 times out of 10 your still out there so don't dare throw that at me Ben. Do you not think I have sacrificed...you think your the only one who had to give up anything...but I don't regret my decision..."

Blowing out a breath she sighed, "If this is what you wanna do, if you wanna go back to doing what it was you were doing before we started this family then do it, seriously if that's where you heart lies do it..." she pressed a hand to her chest and sighed, swallowing the lump in her throat, doing what she could to force the next few words out. Maybe she was being emotional, no actually, she wasn't this had been a long time coming, and no matter what she said to Ben, he was never going to understand her reasoning for all of this. Her heart hurt, "and I think...I think we need we need time to figure this out. I do anyway. I feel...I just, I'm so overwhelmed, I'm trying to work through this, and I can't rely on you to be there to help me...so I think it's best I do it alone,. and I think it best that for now...we spend some time apart..."

[benjamin]

Benjamin dragged his hands through his hair, biting his lip. He honestly didn't have anything left anymore, he was exhausted, two weeks of constant stress and very little sleep were taking their toll on him, along with this sudden news and Katherine pretty much tearing into him as deep as was possible with words. He was angry, frustrated, and in desperate need of sleep, and this argument the second he walked in the door was the last thing that he needed. His wife was crying, but he was just angry and irritated beyond belief, almost to the point of making him want to turn to drink.

"And I never said you had to be out there, but we both need to sacrifice to bring those men and women back," Benjamin said through gritted teeth, his hands were subconsciously balling into fists, he mentally told himself to relax, though the vein in his temple was continuing to protrude. He blew out a heavy breath at her words, didn't she see that this wasn't about his current career? It went to show that what he did, he did for their family, they both were making equal amounts of sacrifices, for the good of their family and the good of the Order, yet his were somehow wrong.

Yes, what he was doing was very dangerous, but they had both known when they joined up with the Order that there would be a great deal of risk involved, and now it seemed she couldn't handle it now that things had gotten really bad. Though he felt that she was really blowing it out of proportion when she suggested they spend time apart, his already sparked temper exploded. "Fine," said Benjamin, acid in his tone, but at least he wasn't shouting, "if you want things to be that way, I'll walk out that door in two minutes." Without another word he went up the stairs to their bedroom, intent on packing up what of his things remained there.

[katherine]

Katherine almost regretted the words the second she'd said them but something needed to give, she knew that and maybe it would do them good to be apart. When Benjamin exploded at her though, his voice level but laced with acid she visibly winced, it cutting her deeper than she wanted to admit out loud. As he left the room she opened her mouth to say something, anything but nothing came, leaving her with no other option but to watch him as he headed out and up the stairs. Covering her mouth, Katherine dropped down onto the sofa, cradling her face in her hands as a sob escaped.

Tugging at her hair she looked up and shook her head, wiping at the tears as they spilled over her cheeks. Max trotted over and placed his head on her lap, sensing she needed comfort and letting go of a breath she leaned down, letting her head rest against his own, her arm wrapping around the large dog as she cried. "Oh max...I don't know what to do..." she said, lifting her head, a small sob escaping her lips as she wiped at her cheeks again, her hand resting against her chest. Of all the ways she'd pictured her life this wasn't one of them, but she couldn't help it. The grief she was feeling was intense and she couldn't reign it in.

Hearing steps, she patted Max on the head and stood again, brushing down her clothes and crossing her arms over her chest as she walked around the sofa, her eyes locating Benjamin. Katherine wanted to reach out and wrap her arms around him, seek comfort in his arms, but as she placed a hand to her stomach she felt the pain of the loss and the anger of his absence. "Where are are you gonna go?" she asked quietly, crossing her arms over her chest again.

[benjamin]

Fuming, Benjamin exercised a great amount of self restraint and walked quietly past the rooms where his sons were asleep to the bedroom that Katherine apparently no longer wanted to share with him. He couldn't believe her suggestion, and that he was actually going for it rather than attempting to reason it out. Perhaps now it was his turn to be irrational. Though he sure as hell couldn't stand being here if all his wife was going to do was attack him for what he was doing on the benefit of others. He was strongly of the belief of taking death over dishonour, he couldn't abandon his comrades now.

Once in the bedroom he kicked open his trunk and went to the closet, pulling his clothes off hangars and tossing them into the trunk without folding them. Once his side had been cleared out he tossed in books, quills, and anything else that happened to be his with reckless disregard to whether or not he ruined anything in the process. Benjamin was a man of his word, he had said two minutes, and he meant it. If time apart was what she wanted, then it was what she would get when she asked for it. He wouldn't tick around if she didn't want him.

And really, he was too angry to be saddened by something that might normally have broken him. Katherine, John, and Jack were his world, but right now he couldn't be bothered to see that. Surprisingly, Katherine joined him in the bedroom as he tossed the last of his possessions into his trunk, and asked him where he was going. "Does it really matter to you? You seem to just want me to leave," Benjamin said cruelly, not caring anymore. He'd just stay at Hogwarts, his office was ample living space. He carelessly closed the lid of his trunk, pinching an overhanging sleeve of a set of robes and flicked closed the clasps, all without looking at his wife.

[katherine]

Katherine watched Ben as he carelessly threw his belongings into his trunk. A few days, a small while even and he seemed as if he were packing for good. The thought saddened her but this was needed, some time apart. Ben thought she was attacking him for his loyalty to the order, no, that wasn't it at all. In fact he inspired her with how brave he was, but was it so wrong for her to want him home some. Not out on a mission every god damn week and not like the missions she went on, no....he went missing for weeks at a time. This last time had been the final straw, he'd been gone when she needed him the most, as selfish as it may sound shouldn't she come first.

Never would she make him choose, never, because she herself held a deep sense of loyalty towards the order but, there had to be a limit. His loyalty was more to them then her and their sons, she knew it, why couldn't he see that. The point was she could no longer live like that, it was tiring and no matter what he said, right now her and their family and their loss, was second...she knew this simply by the fact he was willing to leave again in a few days instead of stay behind this once and support her during this. "Yes. Of course, that's what all of this is about you leaving...you honestly don't see the problem here...do you?" she asked, keeping her voice low for fear of waking the boys.

"I lost a baby, I can't even begin to tell you what I'm feeling...I'm lost and I'm struggling to hold it together, for them boys. I feel empty...like there's a gaping hole inside my stomach...and I need you here. As my husband I need you here because I don't want to have to go through this anymore alone, but you....you'll leave again in a few days, instead of staying with me. Instead of supporting me, and dealing with this together, it's more important to be out there...and don't you dare claim I don't care about them poor people I do...but why can't you just stay and help me...just this once..." she threw that at him, she knew he wouldn't and that broke her heart, even more than it already was.

"I want you to stay here but only if you can sit this next mission out...we lost our baby Ben....that's enough of a reason for you to stay here...where your really needed...can you do that?" she asked, already knowing the answer. He wouldn't stay, he couldn't, he got restless to easy, he would never be content playing the sturdy, always there husband, no the man she fell for always had to be out there in the thick of it. Sighing softly she nodded her head and stepped aside, holding open the bedroom door, Dumb question...we both know what your going to do..." she said softly and sadly.

[benjamin]

Again running a hand through his hair, Benjamin looked at his packed, closed trunk, for the first time putting any real thought into what it was that they were doing. Spending time apart. Married people didn't do that, not when things were supposedly going well. What had happened that had caused something of this magnitude. Benjamin only stood there, staring at his trunk, being unable to return his gaze back to his wife. Where had he gone wrong? Yes, week after week he was going back out on missions for the Order, but his undying loyalty wouldn't allow him to just stop simply because his wife wanted him home.

Hell, he had wanted to be home, but he couldn't abandon them now, not when it had been so long since anyone had seen them, when there was so much doubt as to whether or not they were even alive... Benjamin needed to be, not the hero, but willing to give up whatever it took to keep the Order alive, get their taken comrades back safely. The fact that Katherine was attacking him over it was nothing short of infuriating. Yes, it was tragic that she had suffered a miscarriage, it created a deep pain in his heart, but there was nothing anybody could have done for that. Not having their members back yet weighed on his conscience as well as his heart.

Benjamin remained stonily quiet, convinced that he was in the right and Katherine was simply being overemotional, though he allowed her to monologue for a good long while, getting everything out of her head and into words. Though he was having issues thinking rationally, even for the sake of arguing what he felt and what he needed to do for those people out there, however many of them that might remain. She had known when she said yes to him what he was like, this shouldn't come as any surprise.

After she had finished, Benjamin finally looked up at her, he hadn't noticed until then that his vision had blurred, eyes covered in a thin film of tears, the utter exhaustion and all this emotional stress was getting to him, and he was very near his breaking point. It would be best if he left before Katherine pushed him over it. Benjamin only sighed before looking away and drawing his wand. He flicked it at his trunk which levitated and followed behind him on his way out the door. He didn't say a word or even look back at his wife.